Winter League Game Week #18 - vs Conberg (Mens 3s)

Good morning ladies, gents, and Goose

Date: 08 September 2012

Time: 13h30

Venue: Bergvliet

Opponents: Conberg, hangovers, and the sun

The inbred…sorry, I meant the thoroughbred 3’s were without Tosser, Brown, and Blake for this fixture as they were away, high up in the mountains with a group of other men.  It has not yet been confirmed as to what they were doing there, but some reports have suggested that the surrounding areas’ shop owners were sold out of Vaseline and man nappies and the majestic sound of Celine Dion music being played late at night could be heard echoing throughout the valley. (Tosser – there definitely was a man in a diaper……but that’s another story. Boy weekend make beef jerky, shit with the door open, watch porn in public while whacking off, brant shower….Shane Smith we literally have never done any of those things)

With three players out this meant that we could draft a few Masters in to the side for this game, they were Kevin “I’m still the fittest man in this club” Williams, Darren “I don’t have a surname but neither does Madonna and that’s how I roll”, Russel “They call me Gus and I don’t know why” Botes, and last but not least Demon… wait, my bad, he’s old enough to play Masters but he’s not actually a Master yet.  A big thank you from all the lads for filling in and I think I speak for everyone when I say I don’t think I have ever seen so many ankle or knee guards as well as so much deep heat being used before a game.

We all arrived in dribs and drabs, mainly due to the fact that to find the entrance which leads you to the astro is almost near impossible and if you don’t know the secret handshake when entering you can forget.  Once we were all together, Shooter, our stand in captain for the game took us all for a little warm up.  Shooters tactics – and don’t tell any other club this as I’m sure they haven’t figured it out yet, is whichever team scores the most goals will win this game - BRILLIANT.

The game started a little slowly, this could be due to the fact that the astro is a blinding blue so most of us started off having to strain our eyes, now I know why the Japanese are no good at hockey.

After a few slow minutes and with allowing Conberg to attack we decided enough was enough and turned our defense to attack and from here the game started to heat up both figuratively and literally. 

We started to dominate and I can safely say this did not change for the remainder of the game.  We had short corner after short corner, pushes, flicks, slaps from 2m away and their goalie acting like a keeper possessed managed to deny us over and over again until finally we scored a goal from open play.  Our Master Gus making another great run down the left hand side of the field passing the ball across the goal which allowed Spud to tap it in.  Mutual 1 (attempts 12) – Conberg 0 (attempts 0)

The rest of the half was great to watch even though we didn’t manage to slot in another goal.  Defense was solid with Kevin using his experience and letting us know where we should be, link line was excellent, watching the passing between Caveman, Shooter, Pete, Winders, and Rusty was a thing of beauty.

Half time came, there was a mad scramble to get in to the shade, I found Spud sitting in a small cupboard which I can only assume is used to hide little boys and video cameras.

After in inspirational talk from Shooter… don’t ask me what he said because I wasn’t listening, we went back out on to the field for our last half of hockey for the season.  The boys were revved up and it really showed, again there was total domination and we managed to slot in another goal with Pete flicking the ball over the goal keeper after he had rushed Pete who had entered the circle with the ball.  Mutual 2 (112 attempts) – Conberg 0 (0 attempts)

We then struck again with Demon finding himself not in the O ring but rather in the D, he shoots – keeper saves, he shoots again he scores… Mutual 3 (113 attempts) – Conberg 0 (-1 attempts, subtracting one attempt as they were honestly that rubbish at this stage)

The script was written, we were always going to score again, and Spud didn’t disappoint.  Drawing the keeper out, spun around him and finishing with a backstick shot.  Mutual  4 (lost count on attempts) – Converg 0 (1 attempt… attempt at trying to crack through our defense but to no avail)

With the final whistle and the end of our amazing season only a minute away we conceded a free hit within our 25.  They took it, dribbled a little and then smashed the ball in past the left foot of Sherman (honestly who is this c$%t and who keeps on asking him to play) to allow their striker who was on the p-spot to deflect the ball past our young goalkeeper who didn’t stand a chance.  Mutual 4 – Conberg 1

Final whistle blew and that was that, another great victory for us which means we end the season unbeaten.  I will leave it to Tosser for the final comments about the season but I must just say it has been an absolute pleasure playing for this team.  Thanks to all of the supporters who rocked up at every single game.

Final Score Mutual 4 – 1 Conberg.

I have two hands, so give me two beers.

Yours in consummation,

Sherman

After an amazing season the ‘Thorough-bred 3s’ have pulled it off. Promotion gained with 3 games to go, league victors with 2 games to go and not finally at the close of the season, unbeaten! Our stats are as follows:

1 260 minutes of hockey played

17 wins

1 draw – Vd Stel you basterds…..But in fairness that was the first game….and we had Vis in goals

92 goals for

17 goals against……most of them were probably when Vis played

76 points (only 6 bonus points)

Hopefully we will be able to keep the boys together next season. A big thanks to the masters for flying the 3s banner proud and giving Conberg a beating. Glad we thumped them, was a bit of a grudge match since they didn’t want to change the fixture. Me my friend, her name is Karma….lol. She was also introduced to Raff in the fixture after us. His side losing to Conberg, so looks like he will be playing M4 anyway next season.

Season wrap and awards will be coming up in the next few weeks. Then its time for indoor league!

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

Winter League Game Week #16 - vs Central (Mens 2s)

Opponents: Central

Venue: Hartleyvale A

Date: 5 September 2012

Time: 20h00

The last game of the season had sadly arrived and it saw us play our greatly delayed fixture against Central #UnionInTheirPocket. The 2s were bristling with confidence due to having won three on the trot and we wanted to send a message with the last game of the season with an emphatic victory. After another highly confusing pre-match team talk from coach Bondi, we summed his gibberish up to that we must win. (Tosser - it seems like anyone can be called a coach no days. Just because you stand on the side of the field and shout at players doesnt make you a coach. Vis' dad has been doing it for years and we dont call him coach)

“Keeper ready, keeper ready” and with the blow of Bollie’s whistle the game had begun. It was Central who took early possession of the ball, but with the 2s defending like Kings for the first time in a long time they couldn’t do much with the ball. It wasn’t long before Glenzo was causing issues upfront with his pace after a counter from Mutual. His efforts won us a shorty. I came up to give the shorty call and was immediately told to stop (that GC cap did me well). The shorty went off without a hitch with Skywalker burying a beautifully deft deflection. 1 – 0 to the Green and Blue! (Tosser - Its that beard. It has magical powers! Plus it really warms up my thighs......#JustSaying)

Now we began to take control of the game with everything seeming to work for us. Bob throwing some massive overheads that were actually finding Glenzo upfront as well as some beautiful play in the middle of the park. Central hadn’t even had a sniff of our goals yet due to some superb work defensively on our part. We soon won ourselves a second shorty which we buggered up horrendously with Bob ending up doing yardsticks at top D. Always keen to get a lil practice in, but luckily we won a third shortly afterwards. We went with the variation that scored us our first goal and with Skywalker being such teamplayer, he used The Force to make his deflection hit the post and allow Piles to score an easy tap in #YouKnowYouAreShitWhenPilesScoresAgainstYou .Mutual 2 - 0 Central. (Tosser - Im telling you its the beard!)

Central now began to realize the game is slipping away from them and decided to get their act together. They began to find a few holes in our defence as the half dragged on but a combination of them missing chances and us scrambling very well on defence saw us go into halftime 2 - 0 up.

Bondi’s halftime gibberish was translated to score more goals and kill the game off. Central started the game with the ref giving them the upper hand with a few, um, let us say odd calls. Central won a couple shorties but still couldn’t capitalise and their reff even costed them by disallowing a goal because Piles ‘broke early’ #PaybackSucks. (Tosser - i think this is the only time we have rewarded Piles for being pre-mature) Central eventually did grab a soft goal from some good play on their part and poor marking from Mutual as their striker slotted simply into empty goals. This however would be the last moment of happiness for Central.

The 2s then just went into overdrive and proceeded to put together some of our best hockey for the season. We were very well orchestrated by Bondi who is showing he contribute to the club in some way. Central looked hapless as we ran circles around them. Mutual create several chances but a few goodies to waste, especially Sparky who found himself in acres of space at the back of the D only to send a screamer of a shot straight into the keepers pads. We finally grabbed a third goal as Carl “The Heat” Davis got the final touch on a sweeping attack to put it Mutual 3 - 1 Central.

Minutes afterwards we grabbed a fourth as Ninja slotted into open goals as Glenzo drew the keeper to set Ninja up. We now began to slowly kill the game and the backline batted off Central’s last ditch showboating with ease. Mutual 4 - 1 Central.

With Central throwing everything forward we were having the odd break on the counter and a dazzling run from Glenzo which resulted in him pulling off a spectacular PSL dive as the keeper got near him to win a p-flick. Glenzo in typical fashion nominated himself for the flick. He then proceeded to slot the most average p-flick I have seen in my life! I sure the keeper let it in because he felt sorry for Glenzo being black and how poorly he flicked. Mutual 5 - 1 Central

With the score at 5 – 1 to us, we just buggered around with the ball to waste time and the final whistle finally came. An absolutely amazing win to end the season!! Good old Brucie (who migrated to Central from the Thoroughbred 3’s #BadLifeChoice) still said that Central were 2 – 1 up on aggregate, meanwhile it was all tied up, fucking pillick.

Final Score Mutual 5 – 1 Central

And so the season comes to a close, it was a very bumpy, but in the end, successful season for the 2s with us finishing 7th on the log (by my calculations) which is much better than the relegation scrap we had last year. Things are looking up for this relatively youthful side but I’m sure many players are looking to make that step up into the 1s and some need to make that step down to masters #tellBastick. I am very proud to have captained the 2s, such an amazing vibe and gees within the side!! Big thanks to Sparky our coach, interim captain in my absence and highly average player! Also thanks to the Chap, Bondi, for his help at the end of the season with the guidance and coaching #suspensionServedTheClubWell. And on that note: THE BUSS IS FULLLLLLLLLL!!!!

www.average.com's Man of the Year

Deny

Winter League Game Week #17 - vs UCT (Mens 3s)

Good morning guys

Date: 30 August 2012

Time: 20h30

Venue: Mutual

Opponents: UCT

It was time to take on the other tough competition in our league. The only other side to come within one goal with a 4-5 score line in the previous encounter. We took to the field with a master recruited into our side. A warm welcome to Russel from the ‘Thorough bred 3s’, unfortunately this still made Demon the oldest player in the side.

We won the toss and selected to take the ball first, knowing that 7 seconds into the first game against UCT we were picking the ball out of our own net. The game started and after a while we realised that this UCT umpire was one of those ‘I am always right’ type of guys. Not listening to any ….let’s call it advice. His way or the highway. I think he has the new 2015 edition of the hockey rule book – these are rules that are still to be implemented. The ‘Thorough bred 3s’ were very excited to be a part of these experimental rules.

After a UCT player almost got his face smashed in by Shooter, we politely asked the ump to blow an infringement like that before one of our players swung at the ball. He sanswered with ‘There is no wrong side’ – to be fair, this is true. Except is you tackle from a certain side as a player is swinging at the ball you will have a fashion statement passion gap. Kyk hier kanalla!!

Anyway, we carried on as we always do, UCT having a lot of possession themselves. But we were the ones who capitalised first. Proving that lightening does strike in the same place twice (that would be the goals in this case) Tosser slotting the ball in the bottom left corner…let’s say it was at pace. Mutual 1 – 0 UCT.

Having the Chuck Norris version of an umpire in our defensive D in the first half proved to be quite entertaining at times. I was told that you are allowed to place your hand on the opponents back as you are about to tackle him, very interesting, you just must not apply pressure. AND WHEN THE FUCK does that ever happen. It’s like sitting on a chair and not applying pressure. But thanks you UCT’s version of ‘The Raff’ for educating me on these experimental rules.

It was also around about this time when a UCT player caned the ball into Tosser’s foot, rendering him even more useless than normal. He had to call on his trust backs Caveman and Mick to provide the necessary cover while he sat on the 25, cried and recovered. Youngster saving Mutual’s ass yet again with a few fine saves proving to be our secret weapon at the back.

Another UCT counter saw one of the cleanest tackles I have seen in a while and the UCT striker running into a brick wall which was later to be known as Tosser. He must have flown 2 meters back with his legs spread like a prostitute, lying on the floor, on his back, moaning…. like a prostitute. Tosser 1 – 0 UCT striker.

With Sherman’s workrate, Pete holding the ball well and dominating play like Xavi & Iniesta combined and our striker force pushing hard upfront making the UCT keeper work for the rest of the first half. Their keeper reminding me of a young David ‘Calamity’ James where he has an amazing game yet one blunder sees his side trailing.

So into half time we went leading the game, with one thing in mind. Keep our unbeaten streak alive. UCT didn’t deserve to take it away from us. We would really have to grind out this victory thou, we always knew it was going to be a tight game.

Taking the field for the second half our whole backline sat on the 25 waiting for the UCT overhead that caused us so much pain in the first half. But it didn’t come….thankfully. We continued to have a back and forth game with UCT earning short corners and conceding them. But the second half dead lock was not broken. But we were not disheartened. We continued to push on.

Half way thru the second half saw a long ball played to Blake who was running down on the keeper for a one on one. The ball just slightly in front of him running as fast as his ginger legs could carry him. As he crossed the edge of the circle he dived and swung as hard as he could as the ball only to his the keeper in his pip, with the ball bouncing off the keeper to Russell. He made no mistake, showing years of experience and composure and slotting home our second goal on his debut. Mutual 2 – 0 UCT.

UCT did their best to complain to Chuck Norris/Calamity James who had awarded the goal, but to no avail. He gave them the ‘I have made up my mind and refuse to change it’ look. So we got on the right end of a wrong blow.  But with this kid throwing a mini tantrum he was never going to change his mind.

The game ended shortly after that, Mutual coming out as victors. Still unbeaten with one game to go vs Conberg. We headed across to the club for club night hosted by the ladies 1s

Final Score Mutual 2 – 0 UCT.

Final fixture:

Thursday 8^th September @ Bergvliet

Time: 13h30

Opponents:  Conberg

I hope we give Conberg carrots tomorrow on their blue astro. Not a simple 1 or 2 zip. But a solid pounding. One that they will remember next year when they are playing M5 – and next time someone politely asks them to move a fixture a month before the time they can consider it. Seeing them 5 points behind in relegation zone they will need a bonus point win to safely stay in M4. I don’t want to give them a single point. We had to recruit in some masters since players are out. But the old men will do the green and blue proud!

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser