The Buffalo Rules

 Well since i jumped right into a few old match report just to show you how awesome we are. let me take a step back and tell you a bit about the club. In the next couple of entries if you carry on reading you will start to get to know a couple of the members and realise that we are infact awesome.


Please note that this is not the official blog of the club, I'm mealy doing this for entertainment purposes and to let people out there know how awesome we are. I think I have said awesome too many times.
If you are interested in the official web site for the club you can find more info at  www.mutualcput.org.za such as the current committee, fixtures/results and the recently updated FIH rules.


Below are the Buffalo rules, do not step into the club without learning these. If you choose not to listen to my warning you will have to call in sick the next day and fake that 24 hour bug that alot of us get after Phuza Thursday.

Buffalo Committee:
Chairpersons: Vice-Chair: Honorary Members:	Demon/Brads  Vis  Norm & Weezi (Nibbles)
History of the Buffalo Club:
It is said that "Buffalo" stems from the Wild West, where it was essential to be able to shoot at anytime. Therefore it was important never to consume your beverage with the hand you would normally shoot with, which gave birth to the rule of the non-dominant hand. Because the "game" was essentially a matter of life or death, it could never be stopped, but would run continually throughout one's life.The game was then perfected during the Gold Rush, by the famous pioneer "Chris Jones", a man amongst legends. Jones would use the consuming game as a strategy to intoxicate rivals and then proceed to steal their gold! View the Wikipedia entry

Rules
Acceptance:	If someone passes you a beverage, you must accept it with your right hand and acknowledge it by saying "Thanks", "Shot", "Cheers", etc. If caught, consume 4 fingers of your beverage. If caught with less than 1/4, that is to be finished as well as another4 fingers of your next beverage.
Buffalo: "Wrong Hand"	You are not allowed to consume out of your right hand. If caught, consume 2 fingers of your beverage. If caught with less than 1/4, that is to be finished as well as another 2 fingers of your next beverage.
D-Word:	You may not say the "D-Word" (i.e "DRINK", "DRINKING", "DRUNK", etc). It is a beverage and you consume, eat or anything else pertaining to it. The word "DOWN" may also only be used when sung for a fines beverage. Consume 2 fingers of beverage for every "D-Word".
Double Parking:	If you are in possession of two identical open beverages, you are "double parking" and must finish one of them immediately. (Note: Accepting the offer of another beverage counts!)
Unattendance:	If you leave your beverage unattended for any reason, your "mates" may tamper with it. Finish consuming as is... UNLUCKY FOR YOU!!
Dead Soldier: also known as "Dead Donkey"	If a person who bought the round, finishes his/her beverage and places the empty vessel on its side calling "Dead Soldier", everybody who was included in that round must honour the soldiers who died in battle by finishing their entire beverage accordingly.
False Start:	If caught for a fine at any time, the word "go" allows you to start consuming. For a false start, you must consume 2 fingers of your beverage. If a song is sung for you, you are only allowed to start consuming when the counting starts. False starting could lead to an increase in fine.
Wrong Name:	If you know someone's nickname, use it. Consume 2 fingers of your beverage for every use of their real name.
Spillage:	It is unacceptable to spill your beverage. If caught, you must consume2 fingers of your beverage. It does not have to touch the ground!
Addage:	When consuming out of a glass (vessel), you are not allowed to add anything to it until it is empty. Adding only allowed by barmen or if contributions for a fine are being collected. Consume 2 fingers of own beverage if caught.
Meltage:	When consuming spirits, the ice (if any included) may not melt. If caught, contents of beverage is to be consumed. If caught with less than 1/4, that is to be finished as well as another 2 fingers of next beverage.
The committee reserves the right to change any of the rules at any time to suit themselves!!!!!
PLEASE NOTE: * If consuming out of a bottle, neck does not count! * If you need to burp, please say safety afterwards! * And if your name is GOOSE you're screwed anyway!!THESE AREN'T JUST RULES... THEY'RE A WAY OF LIFE! LEARN THEM... KNOW THEM... LIVE THEM!!

28 November 2011 - Van der Stel

Good morning guys

Well I just received a summons. Apparently I was an accessory to a gang rape that occurred early evening around 19h20. I’m sure everyone will receive one soon….except Brundle and Boogs…..too soon? Things to think about in the off season before trials next year.

1.       Clean sheet….yes please!

2.       A few instances where we were caught in possession.

3.       Enough with the platters. This is mainly for me thou, back yourself when you hit the circle. And FYI Chef, you can’t send back a platter…..just saying. If you get a platter you score that platter.

28 November 2011

Venue: Wynberg Military Base

Opponents: Van der Stel

The game started off in good spirits, the captains having a laugh and then talking about how awesome I am. As we should have during the match we dominated them. Im sure I heard their defence shout ‘Chicago’ a few times, which I was told at half time was their safe word. After missing an early platter from Lemon right in front of goals, Team Vis quickly redeemed himself by following up on a Lemon shot and pretty much smashing the ball thru the keeper. Mutual 1-0 vd Stel.

Sortly after taking the lead it was left up to a quick game of ching, chong, cha (noooo, not those Taiwanese triplets)  to see who had the honor of taking the first shorty of the game. Unfortunately that Mexican somehow wasn’t on the bench and threw out his salsa filled fist at me when I pulled scissors. DAMN IT. Lets just say that his attempt on target was weak. Iv seen kids from Wynberg and SACS flick better than that. But none the less, it still went in, apparently he ‘sent the keeper the wrong way’, I think the keeper was beaten for lack of pace. Mutual 2-0.

The third goal consisted of Team Vis, or the artist formerly known as Chef, who scribbled one player, rounded the goal keeper and flicked past the poor defender standing on the line. While the rest of the team stood on the half way line and watched. Mutual 3-0.

Then there was the final of Top Chef, everyone trying to give the other the ‘platter of the season’ before the final game was over. Tosser running into the circle with enough space to perfectly set up Vis…twice. The first instance he tried to scribble the keeper 15 times and was eventually tackled. The second time, apparently the platter must have been cold so he sent it back which I was not expecting and was celebrating on the halfway line already. The next goal Vis would claim as a platter, but we all know he was actually taking a shot, which Lemon (keeping up his scoring form from the weekend, proving he can score on and off the pitch) put away nicely. Mutual 4-0.

Vis pulled of what can only be described as tackle of the season, standing strong on top D and throwing what little weight he has into the tackle….sending Suffix flying. Lemon getting greedy wanting to score again……just like the weekend, stepped up to take the next short corner, hulk at it again winging those balls out from the baseline (I really think he is being fed steroids cause Ginga’s aren’t supposed to be that strong). Smashing the ball high into the net. Mutual 5-0.

Then back to the Top Chef finale, Tosser setting up The Hulk with a open one on one with the keeper. We still have no idea what he was thinking, his shot can be compared to a woman bowling underarm to Chris Gayle – no chance of it getting past him. The ball was parried away with ease. Next up was a magnificent square pass from Tosser, which was missed by Hernandez (he claims he left it…..rubbish) straight into the path of Boogs. He then proceeded to shatter what little faith we have in him, so we are no longer going to pass him the ball in the circle. We then got another short corner and Hulk was up to his same shit. Putting everything into the push out, thankfully this one was controlled and there must have been a mix up because for some reason Hernandez found himself at slip, I thought it was Lemon otherwise I would not have given him the ball. He obviously wanted to prove that not all Mexicans miss the goals and after an utterly amazing fake drag/slip dummy thingy he say himself with 10 meters of space to take his time and basically walk the ball over the line. Mutual 6-0.

Literally one of the most childish things that has happened this season. Suffix decides to scrimimage 2 defenders, then the keeper, he actually waited for him to get up again, then scrimmaged him again. He ended up just flipping the ball past the keepers shoulder. Ending the half on a high, Mutual 7-0 vd Stel.

Starting off the half well, we allowed our opposition to enjoy some possession, building up their spirits so we could smash them again. How Brundle got the ball or why he was so high up on the field is still going to be discussed. But he rounded the defender like he was a beacon, and sprinting down baseline and in typical Hulk fashion smashes a ball across the face of goal. With eyes closed and biting his lip waiting for the ball to pop up and smash him in the face. Tosser’s delicate touch saw the ball go straight between the keepers legs. Nomination for nutty of the season…..i think so. Mutual 8-0.

Shortly after a few quick 1-2s in and around the circle saw Lemon slip on past the keeper extending the lead to Mutual 9-0.

Then came that moment in the match where no one was really sure if he meant it or not?! Hernandez proving he has a keener eye for goal than his namesake, actually just not moving and getting back to defend. Gets a belter of a ball from Lemon which he collects on P-spot deflecting it blindly round his body. The keeper having no idea what just happened. Mutual 10-0.

The Mexican then turned provider, trusting Vis to convert his platter. Which he did. Mutual 11-0.

After a very strange variation short corner, Lemon found himself with the ball on p-spot and had a really weak effort on goal almost saved off the line. Mutual 12-0.

I really thought Bastick didn’t make our side when I saw a ball rocket into the side netting from the base line, I think Suffix watched my awesome finish in the previous game and thought it looked easy. The Chef was then back to his normal antics trying to dribble around everyone on the field. Finally thinking he had done enough, lays a bobbling platter to Tosser to smash home. Mutual 13-0.

The Chef didn’t seem to want to stop there. Making another run sets up the Mexican for his 4^th goal, Team Vis on fire at the moment. Mutual 14-0. Eventually having enough of serving platters, Team Vis finally decided to go all the way (like he hopefully did on his honeymoon….tell her) easily going round a player and popping the ball over the keeper into the corner of the goals. Mutual 15-0.

Not to be out done by his previous goal, Suffix steps up for what was to be our final short corner of the match. He first fakes, the pulls, fakes again, pulls again. Fakes twice infront of the keeper before flipping the ball head height into the goals. The keeper on his knees wanting to take his punishment like a man….in prision. Ending the game with our highest score yet of Mutual 16-0.

Im sure it was a looong drive home for the vd Stel player, a lot of tears and leaving SADF feeling quite violated. Top season boys, will see you all at trials in the new year. And a great thanks goes out to the goal scorers this half, you really made my job hard. (like when we in the showers).lol.

Final Score Mutual 16 – 0 Van der Stel (The Reach for a Dream Foundation)

Next Game:

Next year sometime. I will keep you posted re trials and the match schedule.

And with that comes the end of my completely amazing match reports. A season summary will follow when I have time.

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

23 November 2011 - York Old Boys (Indoor)

Good morning guys

Well that was another tough physical game. We played some good hockey…..at stages.

1.       Conceding goals……we STILL don’t do that. (This point has come up a few times in the last 3 matches)

2.       Again being caught in possession.

3.       Not enough shorties. And our conversion rate was bad because Drummond wasn’t there. lol

23 November 2011

Venue: Wynberg Military Base

Opponents: York Old Boys

Firstly let me say that I was very happy that the game went ahead last night. I was super keen to play these guys……I mean beat these guys. I’m just happy the game wasn’t called off on account of the weather.

So we started off the game winning the toss, as always, I thought we would give them the ball and play into the sun in the first half so that we could play with the wind in the second half. As always the opponents got the ball so that they could practice centering off.

We started off well pressing them quite high and all they were doing was playing the long ball looking for the deflection. But with the ball crashing against the back wall and us starting again with a 16. After working the ball around the field and showing our dominance we decided it was time to get on the score card.

A fantastic 1-2 between Suffix and Bob, saw the Mexican becoming the first Mutual player on the score card. Burying the ball into the bottom corner. Mutual 1 – 0 York

Shorty after we missed two short corner attempts or was it three? Honesty call I missed one. Yes, I can’t believe it either. My consistency theory is out the window again…..

Before long we unfortunately had to give Bondi Clark a chance to grab his first team cap. This was the third time he had been promoted but the first time he had chosen to share the field with us. Probably because he had to first get permission from his girlfriend to join us. Don’t know why she would have said no, I’m sure she loves winners. Anyway moving along. Where was I? Oh yes Bondi takes the field and is pretty much average at best. Tosser makes, what can only be described as, an amazing run (ok fine….walk) round the back of Yorks defence slipping the ball inside to Bondi. I thought this was the perfect way to start your debut with a platter. But it seems like nerves got the better of him and he quickly off loaded the ball like a hot potatoe straight back to Tosser (might I add that it was a horrible bouncing ball with fokol pace,definitely expected from a 2s player), who playing the captains role and not wanting to make the youngster look bad, finished with an absolute screamer past the keeper from baseline. True Story! Mutual 2-0

Then I have no idea how this happened think York must have been doing one of their famous line changes or Bollie just felt sorry for our Goal-Virgin. But Boogies had a nose bleed again he was so high up on the field. Boogies slipped the ball to Brundle who had passed the keeper and basically had an open net. Brundle obviously thought when is this ever going to happen again and passed it back to Boogies. Who from the baseline smashed the ball into an open net. Boogies finally breaking his Goal-ginity. Mutual 3-0

And with that moment of insanity half time was called.

As always the inspirational captain gave him half time talk. Motivating his fellow team mates to stop playing kak and score more goals, while at the same time trying to hurt that tool at the back who was trying to get physical with everyone. (and not in the good kind of physical way) So with that we took the field to start the second half. Captain amazing decided to give the young newbie another shot at the big time and started bench, probably cause I was kak tired. We started off the game pressing them quite high and they kept on with their long hopeless ball. They got their break thru by dispossessing us on the edge of our D and forcing a shortie. The ever present Fridge who has done little to let us down this year…finally did by killing our clean sheet and letting one sneak past him. Too soon?

Mutual 3-1.

Then we decided to dominate again. Holding onto possession which what seemed like ages. Some really amazing hockey. Switching the ball, going into the centre and back to the defence, moving up the boards into the corner then coming back out. Truly amazing to sit and watch you guys form the P-spot.lol. A few quick 1-2s after that and Lemon presented platter of the day. I have really missed seeing platters. It will be welcomed back on Monday when Chef Vis makes his return from sleeping on a couch in Zanzibar. With grace and finesse, ok fine it was a bit sloppy, Tosser put the ball in the back of the net. Mutual 4-1.

York thought it was time to try save face and they started pushing hard…..no really that tit at the back was at it again. Trying to bulldoze players over then moaning like a moffie when you got past him and he thought it wasn’t fair. But somehow they got another shortie. Tosser looking on from the bench thought this would be fine since Fridge had kept out 5 or 6 shorties before this. But alas, Fridge going down early like a prozzie watched the ball loop past his head. Damn you Schalk, damn you!!

Mutual 4-2

Almost instantly after we won another short corner, seeing the rage in Lemons eyes, we decided to give him the drag flick which he rocketed into the top right corner of the goals. No one from either team able to spot the ball until it hit the net. Mutual extending their lead again to 5-2.

Seeing the minutes dying off and kinda dropping into 5^th gear to cruise the game out, Bondi finds himself in space on the right. He takes on the one defender with a fantastic step and instead of slipping the ball to Tosser for the hatrick, he selfishly trys to take on the next defender. Literally shouting IOANEEEEEE and handing off the defender who failed to use his hands in the tackle then slipping the ball past the keeper and continuing to celebrate like he had won the World Cup. Mutual ending off the game as victors….again. Beating off a (ok lets not use beating off, sounds suspect) Winning 6-2 against York Old boys.

Final Score Mutual 6 - 2 York Rugby Squad

Next Game:

Thursday 28^th @ 19h20 vs Van der Stel

Please confirm availability,

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

15 November 2011 - MCPUT 2s (Indoor)

Good morning guys

Well we have played the toughest game this season. And yes we came out top. But still things we should take into consideration.

1.       Conceding goals……we STILL don’t do that. lol

2.       We are still getting complaisant at time and being caught in possession but dribbling too much with the ball, if we are getting munched in this league. M1 is going to kill us and they will convert.

3.       Try to force more shorties. Having 3 in a game is a shocker. I think they had 7.

4.       Much better performance than last weeks 9-3 drumming of Bellville.

15 November 2011

Venue: Wynberg Military Base

Opponents: MCUPT 2s

With Vis’ funeral on Saturday, Drummond having to try pass matric and Fridge apparently driving to Springbok, we were down 3 players for pretty much the most important game of the season! So up comes Sherman to make his first start for the club, (Giger and his open legs could not make it) and after asking for either Bollie, Piles or Bondi, we were given 6pack. The 2s trying to play their last trump card before the match started. So re-arranging our line-up we took to the field for the most anticipated match of the season.

So taking the field and giving the 2s the ball, because im a nice guy like that, we lets them have a few passes before robbing them of the ball. We retained possession for a while before the first attack came. Tosser receiving a bobbling ball from Boogies out of the back controls it superbly with a deflection into the path of Lemon, picking the ball up and having a one on one with Bear. Obviously Bear had no idea what to do and decided that instead of trying to save the ball he would Schalk Burger the crap out of Lemon, giving away a p-flick.

The Mexicano greedy as ever rips the ball out of the hands of the ref to take the flick….and he will still be taking the flicks because as always he sends Bear the wrong way slotting the ball to the left. (the moment he misses thou, the P-flick position with be up for sale. Bidding starts at 1 BJ and a beer). Mutual 1-0

We then got a shorty, and after watching Hulk push out (and he was off the field at the time) Tosser thought he knew how to do this. Apparently the stopper does not want the ball being pushed hard and wide? We fumbled around and got another shorty which came out straight this time. But the chance was missed. We dominated in sections but fell asleep in the middle of the half, giving away a short corner. They took it from the wrong side, first one was saved by the newly promoted Sherman but another corner was awarded. Import stepping right and milking the ball top glove. DAMN IT why Import. Anyway last years “player of the season” levels the score at 1-1.

Then what can only be as a moment of sure brilliance Lemon getting the ball a few yards outside the circle, goes round 2 defenders. Well technically it was 3, but Bondi was so average he doesn’t count. Lemon coming thru for another 1-1 with Bear, slipping it past Bear’s left foot into the goals. Mutual regain the lead 2-1.

There were a few rough, hard tackles flying in for most of the half. Nothing too serious thou. 2s winning a hit just outside the circle. Weighless taking it quickly and running over the baseline. That’s a bold strategy lets see how that works out for them. Lol. I’m not sure what happened next but they scored. Must have been a completely below par goal because I don’t remember it, or who scored. I know it wasn’t Bollie, Piles, Import, Weighless, Sparky or Lime…….i really have no idea who scored it? Oh well. The scores were levelled again and that’s how the first half ended. Mutual 2-2 (Those other guys)

We definitely missed Vis’ tactful kak out session at half time. None of us really have the knowledge or know how on how to word simple sentences so badly that you make a whole team feel kak. But its something for us to work on. I think using the adjective “facking” as many times as possible is a good start. So we took the field again to start the second half.

There wasn’t much going on in the beginning of the half. The 2s did have a few early chances with short corners which were squandered, probably by bad leadership and team management…..just saying. Import missing a sitter on the post,  then Boogies taking one for the team on the knee cap.(Don’t worry mate I was fine. lol) Suffix then found himself in possession of the ball scribbling a few guys and getting the shot off which found Lemon poaching getting the last touch before the ball crossed the line. Mutual 3-2 up.

After their 3 short corner in a row ,up steps Weighless. Sherman decides to stay on the line this time which proved to be a mistake. The 2s converting their short corner to close the gap to Mutual 3 -3 (2’s).

Then taking the place of platter king, Tosser steps up and gives the Mexicano a superb platter of nachos on far post after receiving a square ball from Suffix. The only reason he chose to start serving up platters was because the last two shots were saved by Bear….but we not going to go into that. (but in fairness, consistently on target) Mutual extending their lead 4-3.

Some more missed opportunities by both sides eventually seeing the 2s get a few short corners which were all saved by Sherman. One apparently winding him, I didn’t think Lime would get enough power to lift the ball off the ground never mind wind someone. Bollie decided to start dry humping players, Pablo coming off second best once or twice. There was another chance or two which could have been converted. But these last 10 minutes of the match was pure domination. Our press working very well for us and the back three pulling off some great tackles and coming away with the ball 90% of the time. After a well worked move down the right, found Tosser getting the ball in space. Moving into the circle at minimal speed which is accustomed with his style of play he decides to serve up another plate of nachos, only to be denied by Bollie’s foot. The ball however ending up in the back of the net…..I’m claiming it! Mutual 5-3.

Pablo seeming hungrier than ever was craving another portion of nachos, and Tosser answered that call. Sending a ball darting, with such accuracy and speed, to the fast post. All Mexicano had to do was leave his stick on the ground and it was a goal. Mutual scoring 3 goals in 5min to extend their lead to 6-3. 2s no chance of coming back in the dying minutes.

They got a short corner a minute before the end. Lime stopping the ball at top D, almost bouncing over his head (yeah that was a lift in my books) however Schalk being influenced by the Conberg ref and his dog allowed play to continue. The ball bobbling to Import who was rushed at by Sherman who could smell his fear. Sherman however grazing the ball with the back of his stick and Schalk awards his second P-flick of the game which Import convert, helping the 2s save face with the score line reading Mutual 6-4 (2’s)

Final Score Mutual 6 – 4 MCPUT 2 (Those other guys that belong to our club)

Well we showed the 2s why they are called the 2s. I think we could have dominated a bit more. But there were stages of pure brilliance and then stages of what the F*#K were you thinking?! All in all a good game and we did this without the Edgemead tactics. lol. We have another tough game next week ahead against York, lets pull out another victory. A good point from the 2s defence is that I was told we run like mental ppl which is always good to hear that our work rate is high.

Next Game:

Thursday 23^rd @ 19h20 vs York Old Boys

Please confirm availability,

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

26 October 2011 - Conberg (Indoor)

Well the first game of the season has come and gone.

1.       Well you guys obviously didn't listen to point one last week. So no one has any idea who scored how many. And we go and slot an extra goal this week to make my job even harder.

2.       I know you backs get bored and start pushing up, but one at a time.lol

3.       25 goals for............0 against. There isn't much else I can say that we did wrong. lol

26 October 2011
Venue: Wynberg Military Base
Opponents: Conberg

We started off the game in winning fashion with the toss....ok fine it was by default since Conberg lost that as well. But il put his bad decision down to my awesome presence.

We took the field giving Conberg the ball to centre off thinking they might as well practice doing this as its going to happen a lot.

After a bit of back and forth between Conberg trying to find out their weaknesses, we realised Burger and Bondi no longer play there so they must have recruited some other Wynberg wankers who suck just as much or even more. We soon came to the conclusion that their main weakness was hockey, as we have always know with Conberg. So we got onto the score board with Vis receiving he ball from the backs, I really think he should work on his leads thou the backs struggled to find him (Even KFM a highy rated....4th team player agrees with me), running around one defender and pushing the ball far post. Mutual 1-0 Conberg.

Shortly after Vis thought it was about time to get on the score sheet again, receiving a ball from our Mexican international on putting the ball at pace under the logging keeper....ok those were his words. The rest of us think he just missed stopped it and it bobbled under the keeper.Mutual 2-0

Vis' 3rd goal was an absolute master piece....not the finishing, but the build up. Suffix smashing a 16" off the boards, which was expertly deflected by Tosser with such finesse into the path of a rampant Vis seeking his hatrick. Vis picks up the ball, darts into the circle and finishes bottom right. After we had turned and started celebrating I saw the keeper begin to log.lol. Mutual 3-0

And then the moment you have all been waiting for....Tosser receives a bobbling pass from Vis which was at pace and 3 meters infront of him (just like Brundles push outs) but manages to get it under control and darts....ok fine, jogs round a defender and along the base line. Again Vis' leads were horrendous and instead of wasting a platter on him decides to have a cheecky reverse stick shot on goal. The first shot straight into the keeper, this was no mistake as I would like to keep my record for most shots on target as well as you need to build the keepers confidence back up so it can be taken away. The second shot hitting the net with such force. Mutual 4-0

The next goal was almost a WTF were you thinking moment. Lemon admittingly almost missing the first platter served of by Chef Vis. Vis rounding the keeper and then passing the ball from near post to Lemon who had basically started celebrating already. Mutual 5-0. And so ended a dominating first half from Mutual. Again with an inspiring half time talk from Tosser and a tactful kak out session from Vis, we still not sure what Pablo was saying because none of us speak that Portuguese/Spanish mixture he speaks.

Start of the second half let us practice our centre off. Which has only happened twice in 2 games. I'm not sure how you guys saw this next move, but it seemed like Vis was taking a shot from the half way line and out of nowhere Lemon pops up P-spot with a fantastic deflection into the roof of the net. Mutual 6-0. Sortly after the goal Vis again tried to serve up one of his platters to Tosser, slipping the ball from top D to the left. And in a moment of sadness Tosser lost his 'consistently on target' record. He then went to sulk on the bench and look for that belter.

Finally Brundles super strength wore off and he was able to get a short corner pull out on target. Lemon smashing the ball high to the right of the goals, im sure I saw those Conberg guys (including the keeper) diving out the way. Mutual 7-0. Next it was signor Mexicanos  turn to get on the score sheet also with a drag flick smashing the net. I was informed after this goal that our match fees might go up to cover the wear and tear we have been putting on the goals in the last 2 games. Cause yes, that was 20 goals so far this season. Mutual 8-0

Next came a storming run from Brundle. Taking on 2 players and hitting the circle.....then the keeper...then the floor...hard. Lol. And as all Mexicans do, Pablo pounced on the opportunity to grab his second goal. Closing his eyes and letting the ball fly into the net. Mutual 9-0. Next up was a short corner. With "Robbie" The Hulk Le Brun off the field resting his guns because of injecting the ball too fast, the mammoth task of pushing the ball straight to Vis fell on the shoulders of your fearless leader....Me. With Tosser sending the ball gliding along the turf toward Vis, Suffix stepping up for a drag. Then im not sure if he doubted himself but gave a 'NOOOOO you have it' kinda of a slip to Lemon who slotted it. Mutual 10-0.

For the first time in 70 minutes Mutual concede a sort corner and dew to some players just not being fit enough (Vis) the only person stupid enough to take a ball to the body while running first wave was off the field. But never the less we defended the shorty. Hernandez must have thought someone said border patrol cause he was too fast out of the gates. Ended up with Tosser having to take his place in the short corner. A great game plan which I have noted down for the next game. (I have to work on a way to "break early" which will prove difficult because it involves running) Anyway, point of the story was that Fridge made his first save of the match and then Bryce Lawrence awarded Conberg another short. Which they missed again.

Chef Vis was at it again blasting down the right and tucking the ball to Lemon who finished in the top right. By this point I could see tear rolling down the keepers mask. Mutual 11-0. After this I have no idea what happened, Boogs finds himself with the ball during a 16" and instead of a quick break he decides to run it, and run and run all the way to Pablo who was in the opposition D. They then both looked at each other not wanting to touch the ball eventually Boogs manning the F*ck up and grabbing the ball and going on another run along the edge of the circle smashing a ball far post. Second lesson we can teach you Boogs is to know your fellow team mates. If that was going to me, rather give it to me and dont put it 10 meters in front of me, would take me 5 minutes to get there, on a good night.

The next goal will go down as a nominee for team goal of the season. Except on the score sheet it will say Tosser scored it. Brundle getting the ball deep in our half carrying it up to half way and playing a one two with Chef Vis, then storming down the side along the base line seeing Tossers amazing run into space (Vis take note) Brundle squeezing the ball between two defender and Tosser slipping it under the crying....i mean diving keeper. Mutual 12-0.

Then trying to steal the show, the Mexican gave us is one burst of speed a game, collecting a thru ball from Vis and killing it into the net with 'immense speed' (his words) Mutual 13-0

Well I hope we have all learnt a life lesson from this game. When playing against Constantiaberg you should always wear a connie. Cause we f*cked them...hard. I'm sure everyone in the side felt like a cigarette after that game. Conberg players were found in the changing rooms this morning in the foetal position crying.

Final Score Mutual 13 - 0 Conberg (Connie-Berg)

One goal to the better than the previous match. Except we conceded two short corner.... I suppose we needed Fridge to make at least one save during a match.

Next Game:
Tuesday 1st @ 21h00 vs WPCC A
Please confirm availability,


Yours in awesomeness
Tosser

01 November 2011 - WPCC A (Indoor)

Good morning guys

Well the first game of the season has come and gone. Just a few things to work on for our next game on Friday.

1.       Conceding goals……we don’t do that.

2.       Backs switching with forwards…..we spoke about this…..we do do that either.

3.       Try keep our structure, I know we all want to score goals. But the reason we are playing now is to get used to playing together as a side (in the showers and on the field) One good thing is that we aren’t holding onto the ball too much even thou we are playing weaker opposition. Probably because Import is in the 2s….Tell him.

01 November 2011

Venue: Wynberg Military Base

Opponents: WPCC A

Choosing, YES that right choosing, to sit this one out. Captain Awesome found a comfy space on the bench (higher up than usual) so that he could get a better view of Boogies first blunder as acting captain, losing the toss. First of many things that changed from the previous week. Just saying.

After a scrappy few minutes, we see the Chef in action again, dispossessing the WPCC defender and easily rounding Tbag as if he was sitting on a deck chair. Then as we are used to with Vis, unable to finish, he sends a platter over to Drummond who finished into an open net. Mutual 1-0

The Hulk wanting to get involved in the action took a quick hit just outside the circle smashing the ball into the circle for the Chef to deflect high into the net. Tbag is missing a good game. Mutual 2-0

All of a sudden the moment happen that sent shock waves through the hockey community. Sean ‘Costus’ Suffix was caught in possession on our P-spot. WPCC slipping the ball past Fridge who at that time in the match still hadn’t made a save. WPCC proving that gods can bleed. Mutual 2-1 WPCC

Id hate to say I told you so, but I still have a clean sheet for the season.

Boogies then takes to the field and we stupidly give him the ball straight away, his first touch proving to actually be one of his better ones during the match, popped up off his stick and almost going over the side board. However he did recover well. Shortly after the Boogies fumble we get our first shorty of the match. And yes there is always one. Drummond up to his childish self again, what can only be described as a bullet for those of you who actually saw it, smashes the ball into the top left. The ball whizzing past Tbags head causing him to shit himself. Mutual 3-1

Drummond then goes on a bit of a solo missing, pretty much showing off and as he is scrimmbling the crap out of basically the entire WPCC team we hear some thing in the background. Starting of quietly then just growing louder and louder . Here we are. We're the princes of the universe. Here we belong, fighting for survival ... Duncan ‘Stupid headband’ MacLeod comes out of nowhere swinging his stick like a sword shouting “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!!” We win a short corner which Drummond again converts. Mutual 4-1

We then see Hernandez miss an absolute sitter. Maybe he didn’t like the platter because there were no chilli poppers or nachos. So he sent the ball straight at the keeper…Tbag making his first save of the game. The Chef was at it again, going round Tbag……again, and this time serving up lemon with a platter for one. Mutual 5-1

Hernandez finally makes a contribution to the game with a little spin sending Vis clear with a one on one with Tbag. There is no way he could miss this. WRONG, Vis’ luck finally runs out and he is smothered by Tbag (almost the same way he was smothered by Solly) The game started going our way again and a well worked German by Drummond allowed Lemon to finish of a great shorty smashing the net. Mutual 6-1. Thus bringing the first half to a close.

Again the start of the second half we were all over the place. Clearly lacking leadership…uh hmmmm. The first real action of the second half saw Vis near the pspot, missing the target completely. And then after a Pablo freshie, actually I think his swing was even to wild/kak to be called a freshie, we win a short corner. Which Hulk then smashes to the halfway line. I don’t know about you guys, I blame the stopper. Fridge was then call in to make another 2 on 1 save. Finally proving his worth in the side. And then at the other end Vis rounds Tbag yet again with a cheeky reverse stick flip which hit the post. After some confusion at the back between Boogs and Brundle, who both seemed to be strikers at this time, Fridge is forced to break down a 3 on 1 opportunity giving them a shorty. Which out of all the people on the park, we seem to let Panky score. Why? I would rather let Schalk score a hatrick than listen to Panky describe his goal over and over. Mutual 6-2 WPCC

Things couldn’t get any worse. But we seemed to step up our game…..just a little. Lemon taking a quick hit outside the circle forcing the defender to commit to the tackle with out retreating the 3 yeards. The resulting shorty saw Tbag seeing the ball for the first time in the match, getting his glove to it, but sure pace seeing Drummond claim yet another. Mutual 7-2. Only contact Tbag’s stick has made the whole game unto this point was with his own post.

WPPC then have a bit of a break away down our right hand side and Fridge feeling he has to redeem himself after letting in the 2 goals runs out like a mad man and pretty much crushed their striker sending him face first in the the floor. Not sure how the ref thought that was fine. Lemon then getting into the action again gets the ball just outside the circle and rounding highlander slots another goal in going low at far post. Mutual 8-2

Sortly after we seem to find a bit of form and after winning a short corner and a semi dodgy german, sees the sneaky Mexican finally get on the score card. Mutual 9-2

We, I mean you guys, then decide to teach WPCC a lesson in playing to the whistle. Drummond rounding a player along the baseline and slipping it to Lemon, who we are still not sure if it was a shot or a pass, but the Mexican and his big feet got in the way of a clear goal at far post. Team Drummond was in the mix again running round the edge of the circle round one player and shooting, taking a nasty deflection leaving Tbag useless, I mean hopelessly going the wrong way. Drummond claiming another 5 goal haul. Mutual 10-2

Conceding our 5^th short corner, Fridge had no idea what was up this game as he was actually forced to make another save. Our, or I mean your, final goal came from a Lemon pelting the ball in from the halfway line to find the stick of Vis sitting at far post all alone, not even he could mess that one up. Mutual 11-2

Final Score Mutual 11 – 2 WPCC A

After a bit of a scrappy game, we (I mean you guys) still came out firm (yes I said firm) favourites. The competition were a litel tougher,but not by much. Bellville is our next game. I hate losing to any team. But I really hate losing to Bellville. Lets smash them.

Next Game:

Thursday 10^th @ 18h30 vs Bellville

Please confirm availability,

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

17 October 2011 DFM Legends (Indoor)

Good morning guys

Well the first game of the season has come and gone. Just a few things to work on for our next game on Friday.

1.       I do realise I said kill them. But next time could you guys remember how many and how you scored. It really does make writing the match report rather difficult.

2.       Lets not order a platter then not eat it.

3.       And lets do what we can to keep Import in the 2s…..too soon?

17 October 2011

Venue: Wynberg Military Base

Opponents: DFM Legends

With the two new additions to the side Suffix and Drummond, we knew our side was going to be stronger than last year. Thankfully losing Bollie ‘to injury’ and eventually finalising Imports registration papers for Durbanville we were looking forward to this build up to our league indoor season.

Well where do we start. It seemed inevitable what the end result was going to be, so being the nice guy that I am, I allowed DFM (we not going to call them legends) to win the toss. They asked for the ball which was a good thing so that they could get used to it as they would be doing it a lot this match. Also it gave them a bit of possession.  

We started off scrappy Drummond caned a ball onto Vis’ foot which im sure he was still feeling well into the second half. However we had our first opportunity of the match, the ball being slipped to Vis. Who obviously wanted it to be more of a tough match, so he pushed it well wide of the goal…..DFM with a hit in from the sideline.

Drummond got to the stage where he thought enough was enough and we should get on the scoreboard as soon as possible. A well worked move with a few 1-2s and he calmly slipped the ball into the net. 1-0 to MCPUT. Shortly after we won our first penalty corner, being a great leader and a generally nice guy I gave the first shorty to the new cap. Who really, just showing off, smashed the ball top right. I swear I heard the keeper shit himself. 2-0

A little more possession from a much superior mutual side and we worked a ball nicely down our left side winning a hit just outside the circle. Tosser seeing a great run from Boogies into space, seemed to drag flick the ball into a DFM chest. Don’t ask me I still don’t know what happened. But I think that was the only decent flick I had the whole game, well besides the warm up. Hungry for a goal I decided to make an executive decision and take the next short corner. Which was probably a stupid idea, the keeper not smelling the ball which hit him on the shoulder and off the post. Luckily we won another corner. Which I was then forced to give to Hernandez, who coolly slotted the ball to the right sending the keeper the wrong way. 3-0

Some good play finding Tosser on the edge of the D, seeing Boogies make one of the slowest runs iv ever seen (Weighless could have beaten him) finally making it into our half of the field. Boogies getting slipped the ball by Tosser and finishing well…..into the side of the net.lol

This is where things started to get tricky for me with the scoring, even thou I was playing some of my best hockey sitting next to Spur on the side. Pretty sure Drummond scored another short corner drag, giving him a first half hatrick. 4-0. Then senior mexicano with his second goal of the game after some quick passes, Bob with a easy tap in in the end. 5-0

And that was the end of the half. DFM running off the field to run Voltaren and ice on their arseholes.

And the second half started. Again Vis and I had some amazing spells in the first 5 min, sitting next to each other talking kak. Suffix I think scored a short corner. 6-0. Like I said after the 3^rd goal things got kinda hazy. Drummond then stepped up for another short corner, and what can only be described as childish, screamed one past the keepers head crashing into the crossbar with no chance of stopping it….or seeing it. The keeper resoaked his gurdle. 7-0. Then Pablo Hernandez instead of just admitting he was tired and coming off the field, he deliberately uses the back of his stick to play the ball. Completely shocking and his disciplinary meeting will be held at Red Ox soon. Well after Bryce Lawrence sent Bob off, the 2 experienced players made their way onto the field.

After dominating for pretty much the whole game the moral of the DFM was fading fast, but a plus for them is they had a bit of possession….having to centre off 6 times. But their day was not going to get any better. A ball was smashed into the D at pace, Vis getting a great touch on it to send it blitzing past the keepers head. 8-0

Then Bondi trying to win his first cap for the 1s makes a darting run down our left side. No one really noticing him. Shortly after we got another short corner which bob slotted after the german. 9-0

Vis then got another after “scribblimg at least 7 players” the DFM defence had stopped playing while Vis made great use of the advantage and basically dribbling the ball over the line to give us out 10^th goal.

In a moment of pure madness Pablo found himself at full speed, which has never been reached before, stretching to pick the ball up. He ran so fast we all thought he was swimming. But nothing came of that move. His effort was duly noted and we all expect this type of speed from him in the future. Not likely thou.

I’m sure the next goal was a short corner drag flick again from Drummond. 11-0

And we pretty sure he scored another but not sure where it happened. Lets just give the guy a double hatrick of debut. 12-0

Sterling performance lads. Brundle having washed off all the Velcro and glue from the head of his stick played a great game. Passing the ball well paired with Boogs who was solid in defense.

Great first game of the season. I’m sure the opposition will only get tougher.

Final Score Mutual 12 – 0 DFML (That’s right D…………FML)

Complete shut out, no goals, no short corners.

For those of you that stayed and watched the game it looks like York is going to be a physical encounter….yes please.

Next Game:

Tuesday 25^th @ 20h10 vs Conberg

Please confirm availability,

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

Mens Unofficial Indoor Awards - February 2011

Ok fine I couldn’t resist.

I will send one more mail.

Since I know you guys are going to miss me.

Firstly let me say that I hope you guys clicked on my link and have joined my fan page, it will mean a lot to me.

Well lets get down to it.

Everybody seems excited to see who will take home each award.

Please before going any further read the disclaimer below.

Ok, Im guessing no one read the disclaimer.

Im serious, read it.

Damn it Bob, just read it!

I really put a lot of effort into that Disclaimer.

Its even in Spanish for that Mexican boy who plays in our side.

OK first awards is for the top goal scorers of the season

Bob and Team Vis were tied for 1^st with 7 goals each

Coming second was your fearless leader Tosser. Somehow I was always told that coming second was a good thing?

Next award goes to most assists for the season.

Again we had a very close battle, Fridge pipping Import in the last game move to the top spot.

Well done.

Next up, the ‘Take one for the team Award’, this we all know has to go to Team Vis when he ate turf earning us a flick against WPCC A. Well done mate. Looks like you have jumped on a few grenades before….

Special Flick of the season is again a tie. Team Vis picking up another award for his lifeless, semi retarded, broken lap rat of a shot against UCT B and 6-pack for his rolling wonder against WPCC A.

Well done guys, you are special

Tackle of the season is always a great award, This year it goes to Boogies from his flattening tackle against WPCC A, I still have no idea how his stick got to where it did.

The Kamran Akmal award goes to Sixes for diving not once, but twice in our own circle. How you stayed on the field without giving away a stroke is beyond me. lol

Piles wins yo-yo of the year.

Vis is tied with miss of the season with himself and himself again. Three of his shots were saves off the line….by a defender.

Also going to Team Vis is platter of the season. Since he did score two or three of them.

Congrats to Fridge who now has a new job, its on the corner of Main Road and Campground Road . A pimp obviously saw him play and realised he was a gem because he drops to his knees straight away for no reason.

Goal of the season, special mention must go to out 5 seconds from the start of the second half goal where Vis nuttied the keeper. But the winner goes to Lime, with his deflection without the keeper smelling it. Bollie also scored a few fantastic deflections where again the keeper, Fridge, didn’t smell it at all.Some one should show him that a post man stays on the post…..

And lastly, Tit of the season would have to go to Boogies and his amazing substitution skills. Twice coming on as a striker and twice subbing without anyone  else coming on

In other news, Team Vis’ try outs with Leeds United didn’t go as well as planned. So looks like he will be staying at Mutual this season. Sorry guys I tried as much as I could to put in a good word.

To all those that won awards

Thanks for a good season guys.

Looking forward to the next one

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

DISCLAIMER

These awards are fictitious and no monetary value will be exchanged, no prizes or certificates.

Estos premios son ficticios y ningún valor monetario será intercambiada, no premios o certificados.

These awards are also just for entertainment purposes only.

Estos premios son también sólo solo para el entretenimiento.

No one was harmed in the creating of these awards.

Nadie resultó herido en la creación de estos premios.

These awards were not tested on animals.

Estos premios no fueron probados en animales.

These awards are intended for fun, if you can’t take it in the manner it was intended, please log a complaint on my blogsite.

Estos premios están destinados a diversión, si no puede tomar en la forma en que se pretendía, por favor registre una denuncia sobre mi sitio-blog.

Otherwise you can reach me on my email address

En caso contrario puede alcanzar conmigo en mi dirección de correo electrónico

Darren@koffanddealwithit.co.za

Or my cell

0844 UR P*#$

Kind regards

Darren Williams ™

08 February 2011 - Central (Indoor)

Morning All

Well guys with a sad look on my face I write this last match report. Im going to miss writing these match reports and have no one reply to them, making me feel like I wasted my entire morning writing them. I did repost my link at the bottom of the match report for my blog. It really excited me when you guys sounded so keen to get the link J

Well im not gona talk about what we should work on, since it’s a couple of months away and you guys would have forgotten about it by then. But lets say that this was probly the most successful season I know of at Mutual playing M1 indoor. We got a point in every game besides obviously the last one. The spirit in the team was fantastic this year and I think everyone played their part.

Well lets get to the match report.

08 February 2011

Venue: Wynberg Military Base

Opponents: Central

Central started with 6 players and no keeper. I think most people thought this would be a walk over. However we had not chatted about how we would counter act this type of formation, and they pretty much run us ragged. Im sure they got their first 2 goals from short corners.

After they got their third we kinda just defended until half time. I think being 3-0 down at half time we still looked confident knowing we had come back from worse against better teams. Team Vis had his usual kak out motivational chat which worked in the past so I was looked forward to the goals to start come rolling in.

We started the second half in high spirits, but it was only after a couple of minutes that we got our first first short corner. Trying to go for the straight drag first up, Team Vis finally listening put his body in the way forcing another shorty after a deflection off the keeper went up in the air. We didn’t make the same mistake again, giving Lime a slip drag, more like a slip hit, but who cares the umpire allowed it and we had our first goal on the scorecard.

I have no idea how they scored? But they did,

We quickly came back with a clinical finish by Piles.

But sadly that is all I had to report, there was a bit of back and forth play. With Fridge making a few great saves and us also coming very close to scoring.

But that’s where the game ended.

Final Score Mutual 2 – 4 Central

Next Game:

Sunday 13^th…….probly November

Thanks again guys for an awesome season, looking forward to winter league and then obviously to November when indoor starts again.

For those of you wanting to subscribe to my blog here is the link

http://www.tubgirl.ca/

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

06 February 2011 - Conberg (Indoor)

Morning All

Last game tomorrow. I don’t think we did too much wrong. All round marking was good. Running off the ball was good Few things before our game on tomorrow @18h30 vs Central. This is going to be another tough game we know they run hard the whole game.

1.       Basics this game let us down.

2.       Holding on, Brundle you know we talking to you. lol

3.       Try not to give away too many shorties.

06 February 2011

Venue: Wynberg Military Base

Opponents: Conberg

Well we didn’t start off too well. We gave away two shorties and they converted them both with Fridge dropping to his knees as if Vis had his pants down.

So in the first couple of minutes we were 2-0 down.

Well our first shorty of the match was not pretty. Whatever Tosser did, the hit/slap/flick….who cares it went in the goals! Conberg quickly came back with another short corner. At this moment I could see Fridge’s knees getting sore from repeatedly dropping to them and his back was aching from bending over to pick the ball out the net.

With half time looming, out of nothing really Bollie smashed a ball thru to Lime, who seemed scared when her say the ball coming at him, finally got the right touch on the ball to send it sailing into the top half of the net.

So we were going into the second half a goal down, which means of course we had a great chance of winning the match. Im sure Lime had something in his energade, probly magic mushrooms, because all of a sudden out of nowhere he comes up with a short corner idea. Which im glad we didn’t try cause im still worried about what was really going on.

As the second half started, Im sure Vis hadn’t even put his glove on properly and he had already scores. We must have broken a fastest goal record. From the centre to Bob, back to Tosser, who deflected it to Vis running into space. Picking up the ball on the run and slipping thru two defenders, he slips the ball thru the keepers legs.

That’s right guys nutmeg number 6 of the season. I think we have scored more nutties this season than goals last season. The look on the Conberg defender was like waking up the morning after a rough night and seeing a guy lying next to you. Just complete shock.

I think we then dominated most of the second half, Like we do. A couple of short corners went horribly wrong. After a lot of pressure it finally paid off, Bob selfishly flicking the ball from the baseline knocking off a Conberg defenders foot and giving us the lead. 4-3

This however didn’t seem like a tight game to fridge, so after saving a tame flick, he decided to let the ball bounce and volley it into the crowd. Giving them a short corner right at the end of the game. But fortunately we were able to keep our second half clean sheet. And take the win.

I know they were missing three of their better players being Duncan, Norris-Jones and Nobby. But when you look at the fixtures it still says Mcput beat Conberg…..with a bonus point. Still not having received logs, I looked at the website and saw we have 25 points from 5 games…..yeah right. I think I should clap the chick who did these and stick her back in the kitchen.

Im hoping for a reply today about the logs.

Or I will just create my own and distribute then

Final Score Mutual 4 – 3 Conberg

Next Game:

Tuesday 8^th  @ 18h30 vs Central, a txt will be sent out soon for confirmation.

Outstanding money

Parker R30

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser