Winter League Game Week #18 - vs Conberg (Mens 3s)

Good morning ladies, gents, and Goose

Date: 08 September 2012

Time: 13h30

Venue: Bergvliet

Opponents: Conberg, hangovers, and the sun

The inbred…sorry, I meant the thoroughbred 3’s were without Tosser, Brown, and Blake for this fixture as they were away, high up in the mountains with a group of other men.  It has not yet been confirmed as to what they were doing there, but some reports have suggested that the surrounding areas’ shop owners were sold out of Vaseline and man nappies and the majestic sound of Celine Dion music being played late at night could be heard echoing throughout the valley. (Tosser – there definitely was a man in a diaper……but that’s another story. Boy weekend make beef jerky, shit with the door open, watch porn in public while whacking off, brant shower….Shane Smith we literally have never done any of those things)

With three players out this meant that we could draft a few Masters in to the side for this game, they were Kevin “I’m still the fittest man in this club” Williams, Darren “I don’t have a surname but neither does Madonna and that’s how I roll”, Russel “They call me Gus and I don’t know why” Botes, and last but not least Demon… wait, my bad, he’s old enough to play Masters but he’s not actually a Master yet.  A big thank you from all the lads for filling in and I think I speak for everyone when I say I don’t think I have ever seen so many ankle or knee guards as well as so much deep heat being used before a game.

We all arrived in dribs and drabs, mainly due to the fact that to find the entrance which leads you to the astro is almost near impossible and if you don’t know the secret handshake when entering you can forget.  Once we were all together, Shooter, our stand in captain for the game took us all for a little warm up.  Shooters tactics – and don’t tell any other club this as I’m sure they haven’t figured it out yet, is whichever team scores the most goals will win this game - BRILLIANT.

The game started a little slowly, this could be due to the fact that the astro is a blinding blue so most of us started off having to strain our eyes, now I know why the Japanese are no good at hockey.

After a few slow minutes and with allowing Conberg to attack we decided enough was enough and turned our defense to attack and from here the game started to heat up both figuratively and literally. 

We started to dominate and I can safely say this did not change for the remainder of the game.  We had short corner after short corner, pushes, flicks, slaps from 2m away and their goalie acting like a keeper possessed managed to deny us over and over again until finally we scored a goal from open play.  Our Master Gus making another great run down the left hand side of the field passing the ball across the goal which allowed Spud to tap it in.  Mutual 1 (attempts 12) – Conberg 0 (attempts 0)

The rest of the half was great to watch even though we didn’t manage to slot in another goal.  Defense was solid with Kevin using his experience and letting us know where we should be, link line was excellent, watching the passing between Caveman, Shooter, Pete, Winders, and Rusty was a thing of beauty.

Half time came, there was a mad scramble to get in to the shade, I found Spud sitting in a small cupboard which I can only assume is used to hide little boys and video cameras.

After in inspirational talk from Shooter… don’t ask me what he said because I wasn’t listening, we went back out on to the field for our last half of hockey for the season.  The boys were revved up and it really showed, again there was total domination and we managed to slot in another goal with Pete flicking the ball over the goal keeper after he had rushed Pete who had entered the circle with the ball.  Mutual 2 (112 attempts) – Conberg 0 (0 attempts)

We then struck again with Demon finding himself not in the O ring but rather in the D, he shoots – keeper saves, he shoots again he scores… Mutual 3 (113 attempts) – Conberg 0 (-1 attempts, subtracting one attempt as they were honestly that rubbish at this stage)

The script was written, we were always going to score again, and Spud didn’t disappoint.  Drawing the keeper out, spun around him and finishing with a backstick shot.  Mutual  4 (lost count on attempts) – Converg 0 (1 attempt… attempt at trying to crack through our defense but to no avail)

With the final whistle and the end of our amazing season only a minute away we conceded a free hit within our 25.  They took it, dribbled a little and then smashed the ball in past the left foot of Sherman (honestly who is this c$%t and who keeps on asking him to play) to allow their striker who was on the p-spot to deflect the ball past our young goalkeeper who didn’t stand a chance.  Mutual 4 – Conberg 1

Final whistle blew and that was that, another great victory for us which means we end the season unbeaten.  I will leave it to Tosser for the final comments about the season but I must just say it has been an absolute pleasure playing for this team.  Thanks to all of the supporters who rocked up at every single game.

Final Score Mutual 4 – 1 Conberg.

I have two hands, so give me two beers.

Yours in consummation,

Sherman

After an amazing season the ‘Thorough-bred 3s’ have pulled it off. Promotion gained with 3 games to go, league victors with 2 games to go and not finally at the close of the season, unbeaten! Our stats are as follows:

1 260 minutes of hockey played

17 wins

1 draw – Vd Stel you basterds…..But in fairness that was the first game….and we had Vis in goals

92 goals for

17 goals against……most of them were probably when Vis played

76 points (only 6 bonus points)

Hopefully we will be able to keep the boys together next season. A big thanks to the masters for flying the 3s banner proud and giving Conberg a beating. Glad we thumped them, was a bit of a grudge match since they didn’t want to change the fixture. Me my friend, her name is Karma….lol. She was also introduced to Raff in the fixture after us. His side losing to Conberg, so looks like he will be playing M4 anyway next season.

Season wrap and awards will be coming up in the next few weeks. Then its time for indoor league!

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

Winter League Game Week #16 - vs Central (Mens 2s)

Opponents: Central

Venue: Hartleyvale A

Date: 5 September 2012

Time: 20h00

The last game of the season had sadly arrived and it saw us play our greatly delayed fixture against Central #UnionInTheirPocket. The 2s were bristling with confidence due to having won three on the trot and we wanted to send a message with the last game of the season with an emphatic victory. After another highly confusing pre-match team talk from coach Bondi, we summed his gibberish up to that we must win. (Tosser - it seems like anyone can be called a coach no days. Just because you stand on the side of the field and shout at players doesnt make you a coach. Vis' dad has been doing it for years and we dont call him coach)

“Keeper ready, keeper ready” and with the blow of Bollie’s whistle the game had begun. It was Central who took early possession of the ball, but with the 2s defending like Kings for the first time in a long time they couldn’t do much with the ball. It wasn’t long before Glenzo was causing issues upfront with his pace after a counter from Mutual. His efforts won us a shorty. I came up to give the shorty call and was immediately told to stop (that GC cap did me well). The shorty went off without a hitch with Skywalker burying a beautifully deft deflection. 1 – 0 to the Green and Blue! (Tosser - Its that beard. It has magical powers! Plus it really warms up my thighs......#JustSaying)

Now we began to take control of the game with everything seeming to work for us. Bob throwing some massive overheads that were actually finding Glenzo upfront as well as some beautiful play in the middle of the park. Central hadn’t even had a sniff of our goals yet due to some superb work defensively on our part. We soon won ourselves a second shorty which we buggered up horrendously with Bob ending up doing yardsticks at top D. Always keen to get a lil practice in, but luckily we won a third shortly afterwards. We went with the variation that scored us our first goal and with Skywalker being such teamplayer, he used The Force to make his deflection hit the post and allow Piles to score an easy tap in #YouKnowYouAreShitWhenPilesScoresAgainstYou .Mutual 2 - 0 Central. (Tosser - Im telling you its the beard!)

Central now began to realize the game is slipping away from them and decided to get their act together. They began to find a few holes in our defence as the half dragged on but a combination of them missing chances and us scrambling very well on defence saw us go into halftime 2 - 0 up.

Bondi’s halftime gibberish was translated to score more goals and kill the game off. Central started the game with the ref giving them the upper hand with a few, um, let us say odd calls. Central won a couple shorties but still couldn’t capitalise and their reff even costed them by disallowing a goal because Piles ‘broke early’ #PaybackSucks. (Tosser - i think this is the only time we have rewarded Piles for being pre-mature) Central eventually did grab a soft goal from some good play on their part and poor marking from Mutual as their striker slotted simply into empty goals. This however would be the last moment of happiness for Central.

The 2s then just went into overdrive and proceeded to put together some of our best hockey for the season. We were very well orchestrated by Bondi who is showing he contribute to the club in some way. Central looked hapless as we ran circles around them. Mutual create several chances but a few goodies to waste, especially Sparky who found himself in acres of space at the back of the D only to send a screamer of a shot straight into the keepers pads. We finally grabbed a third goal as Carl “The Heat” Davis got the final touch on a sweeping attack to put it Mutual 3 - 1 Central.

Minutes afterwards we grabbed a fourth as Ninja slotted into open goals as Glenzo drew the keeper to set Ninja up. We now began to slowly kill the game and the backline batted off Central’s last ditch showboating with ease. Mutual 4 - 1 Central.

With Central throwing everything forward we were having the odd break on the counter and a dazzling run from Glenzo which resulted in him pulling off a spectacular PSL dive as the keeper got near him to win a p-flick. Glenzo in typical fashion nominated himself for the flick. He then proceeded to slot the most average p-flick I have seen in my life! I sure the keeper let it in because he felt sorry for Glenzo being black and how poorly he flicked. Mutual 5 - 1 Central

With the score at 5 – 1 to us, we just buggered around with the ball to waste time and the final whistle finally came. An absolutely amazing win to end the season!! Good old Brucie (who migrated to Central from the Thoroughbred 3’s #BadLifeChoice) still said that Central were 2 – 1 up on aggregate, meanwhile it was all tied up, fucking pillick.

Final Score Mutual 5 – 1 Central

And so the season comes to a close, it was a very bumpy, but in the end, successful season for the 2s with us finishing 7th on the log (by my calculations) which is much better than the relegation scrap we had last year. Things are looking up for this relatively youthful side but I’m sure many players are looking to make that step up into the 1s and some need to make that step down to masters #tellBastick. I am very proud to have captained the 2s, such an amazing vibe and gees within the side!! Big thanks to Sparky our coach, interim captain in my absence and highly average player! Also thanks to the Chap, Bondi, for his help at the end of the season with the guidance and coaching #suspensionServedTheClubWell. And on that note: THE BUSS IS FULLLLLLLLLL!!!!

www.average.com's Man of the Year

Deny

Winter League Game Week #17 - vs UCT (Mens 3s)

Good morning guys

Date: 30 August 2012

Time: 20h30

Venue: Mutual

Opponents: UCT

It was time to take on the other tough competition in our league. The only other side to come within one goal with a 4-5 score line in the previous encounter. We took to the field with a master recruited into our side. A warm welcome to Russel from the ‘Thorough bred 3s’, unfortunately this still made Demon the oldest player in the side.

We won the toss and selected to take the ball first, knowing that 7 seconds into the first game against UCT we were picking the ball out of our own net. The game started and after a while we realised that this UCT umpire was one of those ‘I am always right’ type of guys. Not listening to any ….let’s call it advice. His way or the highway. I think he has the new 2015 edition of the hockey rule book – these are rules that are still to be implemented. The ‘Thorough bred 3s’ were very excited to be a part of these experimental rules.

After a UCT player almost got his face smashed in by Shooter, we politely asked the ump to blow an infringement like that before one of our players swung at the ball. He sanswered with ‘There is no wrong side’ – to be fair, this is true. Except is you tackle from a certain side as a player is swinging at the ball you will have a fashion statement passion gap. Kyk hier kanalla!!

Anyway, we carried on as we always do, UCT having a lot of possession themselves. But we were the ones who capitalised first. Proving that lightening does strike in the same place twice (that would be the goals in this case) Tosser slotting the ball in the bottom left corner…let’s say it was at pace. Mutual 1 – 0 UCT.

Having the Chuck Norris version of an umpire in our defensive D in the first half proved to be quite entertaining at times. I was told that you are allowed to place your hand on the opponents back as you are about to tackle him, very interesting, you just must not apply pressure. AND WHEN THE FUCK does that ever happen. It’s like sitting on a chair and not applying pressure. But thanks you UCT’s version of ‘The Raff’ for educating me on these experimental rules.

It was also around about this time when a UCT player caned the ball into Tosser’s foot, rendering him even more useless than normal. He had to call on his trust backs Caveman and Mick to provide the necessary cover while he sat on the 25, cried and recovered. Youngster saving Mutual’s ass yet again with a few fine saves proving to be our secret weapon at the back.

Another UCT counter saw one of the cleanest tackles I have seen in a while and the UCT striker running into a brick wall which was later to be known as Tosser. He must have flown 2 meters back with his legs spread like a prostitute, lying on the floor, on his back, moaning…. like a prostitute. Tosser 1 – 0 UCT striker.

With Sherman’s workrate, Pete holding the ball well and dominating play like Xavi & Iniesta combined and our striker force pushing hard upfront making the UCT keeper work for the rest of the first half. Their keeper reminding me of a young David ‘Calamity’ James where he has an amazing game yet one blunder sees his side trailing.

So into half time we went leading the game, with one thing in mind. Keep our unbeaten streak alive. UCT didn’t deserve to take it away from us. We would really have to grind out this victory thou, we always knew it was going to be a tight game.

Taking the field for the second half our whole backline sat on the 25 waiting for the UCT overhead that caused us so much pain in the first half. But it didn’t come….thankfully. We continued to have a back and forth game with UCT earning short corners and conceding them. But the second half dead lock was not broken. But we were not disheartened. We continued to push on.

Half way thru the second half saw a long ball played to Blake who was running down on the keeper for a one on one. The ball just slightly in front of him running as fast as his ginger legs could carry him. As he crossed the edge of the circle he dived and swung as hard as he could as the ball only to his the keeper in his pip, with the ball bouncing off the keeper to Russell. He made no mistake, showing years of experience and composure and slotting home our second goal on his debut. Mutual 2 – 0 UCT.

UCT did their best to complain to Chuck Norris/Calamity James who had awarded the goal, but to no avail. He gave them the ‘I have made up my mind and refuse to change it’ look. So we got on the right end of a wrong blow.  But with this kid throwing a mini tantrum he was never going to change his mind.

The game ended shortly after that, Mutual coming out as victors. Still unbeaten with one game to go vs Conberg. We headed across to the club for club night hosted by the ladies 1s

Final Score Mutual 2 – 0 UCT.

Final fixture:

Thursday 8^th September @ Bergvliet

Time: 13h30

Opponents:  Conberg

I hope we give Conberg carrots tomorrow on their blue astro. Not a simple 1 or 2 zip. But a solid pounding. One that they will remember next year when they are playing M5 – and next time someone politely asks them to move a fixture a month before the time they can consider it. Seeing them 5 points behind in relegation zone they will need a bonus point win to safely stay in M4. I don’t want to give them a single point. We had to recruit in some masters since players are out. But the old men will do the green and blue proud!

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

Winter League Game Week #16 - vs Fishhoek (Mens 3s)

Good morning guys

Date: 25 August 2012

Time: 15h00

Venue: Mutual

Opponents: Fishhoek

The thorough bred 3s all packed their passports and made the long trek to the end of the earth known to the southerners as Wynberg. (I think this is where Pirates of the Caribbean’s “At World’s End” was filmed – Except for the movie they had summer weather) Not the case for us though, looked like a scene from Twister.

With the game getting under way we had to shift gears and start the unusual strategy of defending first. There was a lot of back and forth with us conceding a shorty – defending it well. Then being awarded a shorty with Demon getting a good deflection on it but it sailed over the cross bar.

A couple of minutes further into the game we were awarded our second short corner of the game. Tosser deciding to drag flick this time. Contrary to what you all might be thinking…..he actually scored – bottom right. This meant pretty much for the rest of the game, since Tosser got one goal in, he would continue to take all the dragflicks for the rest of the game. (Thankfully this goal now wiped the slate clean and his wounded rabbit he scored against Milnerton has been forgotten by everyone…..DOH) Mutual 1 – 0 Fishhoek.

With the first goal under our belt we took control of the game and continued to hassle the Fishhoek defence. We were all over them, the keeper pulling off some fine saves, or strikers narrowly missing the target but we managed to get another shorty. After the last shorty with Tosser scoring (doubling his goal tally for the season – 2) we realised that there would probably not be another option but to have a straight drag. For once Tosser didn’t disappoint, as Blake put it….’That drag had krag’, placing the ball right next to the keepers head. He keeper making the right choice and moving his head out of the way. Mutual 2 – 0 Fishhoek.

Of course after Tosser scored his second goal of the match the rain came…lots of it. Tosser scoring two goals in a match is probably one of the signs of the apocalypse. It seemed like the setting of ‘The day after Tomorrow’. Horizontal rain, I mean WTF!!! But the thorough bred 3’s pushed on. The ball played in by Winders from the wing. Brown having a slap shot that keeper saved, then got the ball back turned and flicked it past keeper and defender. Composure by Brown extending our lead to Mutual 3 – 0 Fishhoek.

Youngster pulling off a couple of great saves, a few at point blank range, this brought on the end of the half. The Mutual guys all running off the field trying to find shelter under the little aff-dakkie. Most of the guys decided to take their tops off to ring out all the water and then have a group cuddle for body heat. The boys then waiting for the final possible second to run onto the pitch to start the next game, there was also a fight to see who started on the bench.

The second half started quite slowly because of the torrential downpour. So chances were few and far between. Struggling for ball pace on the drenched astro. Somehow managing a break away, Winders smashing a thru ball to Blake running towards the D. Looking up and seeing nothing on he decided to dribble the keeper and slot the ball into the goals. Mutual 4 – 0 Fishhoek.

Fishhoek bounced back with a scrappy breakaway goal. Youngster again getting a 3v1 (I know – we like to test the school boys) nothing he could do about it this time. Mutual 4 – 1 Fishhoek.

That elusive bonus point proving to be a problem for us again. But we kept on pushing, Spud with a bolt of a shot which rebounded off the keeper. Pete picking up the loose ball and pushing it into bottom corner to keepers right who got a stick to it but went in. Mutual 5 – 1 Fishhoek.

Fishhoek coming back at us again, trying to get back into the game. After defending a few shots, we were unable to clear a loose ball and Fishhoek pounced on the end of it. Scrappy, but it still counts. Mutual 5 – 2 Fishhoek.

With a couple of quick passes from the right hand side of the field in the dying minutes of the game, Blake found himself in space in the D and pushed the ball into the bottom right corner. We were all pretty sure, despite Spud’s efforts, that Spud’s stick was in behind the goal line! Mutual 6 – 2 Fishhoek.

Fishhoek seem to step up a gear everytime we get close to the bonus point, it is a good thing they didn’t play like this for the entire match. But almost straight away they came back at us winning a short corner. We really have to work on clearing the keepers pads, Fishhoek again picking up the loose ball and slotting it. Mutual 6 – 3 Fishhoek.

With that last goal from Fishhoek say a minute left on the clock. We decided to give one last full out onslaught on the Fishhoek goals. Winning a short corner as the final whistle sounded. NOOOOO pressure. The astro was so wet that Blake had to basically take a shot at Caveman who was stopping it. With the entire Mutual team on the edge of the D, Tosser saw his moment of glory. With some stickwork (No idea where it came from either) he got past the first two waves and slapped the ball into the bottom right corner. Getting Mutual back to a 4 goal advantage at the end of the game. Again missing that bonus point by one goal. Mutual 7 – 3 Fishhoek.

Final Score Mutual 7 – 3 Fishhoek.

Next fixture:

Thursday 30^th August @ Mutual

Time: @20h30

Opponents:  UCT

No bonus point, but with winning the league secured with 2 games to go, the boys were feeling good. Sopping wet from playing in the typhoon weather but feeling satisfied. With two games left all that is left now is to go the season unbeaten. UCT on Thursday and Conberg on Sat (They still don’t want to move that fixture)

All the guys freezing from the wet weather, but spirits were high. Celebrating by popping some champagne after the game was done.

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

Winter League Game Week #15 - vs UCT (Mens 2s)

Date: 25 August 2012

Time: 16h30

Venue: Mutual

Opponents: UCT

                                               

Saturday 25 August was a much anticipated day for the Mutual Hockey Club as it was the last game of the 1s season and by god did they end off with a bang! Their opponents were UCT but to be honest their name needn’t be mentioned as the 1s were the heat despite the weather being the complete opposite.

Seeing as the 1s put up a high standard for the 2s to follow, we had to perform, and with last week’s win on our side we had no reason why we could not defeat our local rivals, plus we have already beaten them once this season, why not make it two.

As mentioned before the weather was, well to be true, it was horrendous, however that did not stop the Mutual 2s from putting on a good display of hockey.  The side stayed largely the same from last week with one exception; we had a boost of experience from Bollie who apparently was giving too much lip in the 1s so they decided to promote him to the 2s and this was what we needed as our defence this season has been questionable. With this addition it saw an improvement of only letting one goal through during the match. (it can also be noted that the dodgy 2s captain known as Deny was sent in the opposite directions – This probably helped the fact that UCT only managed to score 1 goal)

As per normal Bob was throwing his overheads from the centre to the forwards and on one particular overhead ‘the Ninja’ was sprinting to the baseline, adamant that he was going to keep the ball in play and sadly, to his misjudgement, the space between the baseline and concrete curb was a lot shorter than he thought, resulting in a minor collision with the concrete and coming of second best.

Like last week despite our dominance we found ourselves 0-1 down however we were not worried as we knew we had what it took to overcome this minor hurdle and we did exactly that with, once again our seasoned grandfather Bastick,  having a tap in at left post from Glenzo’s slap at goals. Although he feels that the ball was going wide and he corrected its flight path we still think he stole the goal, after all he did go to Edgemead, but like last week we were delighted for the ball to cross the white line and equalise, score Mutual 1-1 UCT.

Amongst the hockey that we being played a couple of guys were involved with some not so hockey activities such as our cc Sparky getting a little nip to the “crown jewels” resulting in him on the baseline on his back with feet in the air spitting out words that sounded like “I’m going to vomit” then after he recovered from that he kopped one to the face in the D, apart from that he put in a good effort all round, must have been the fitness that he partially participated in during the week... (Sparky taking a ball to the nuts is also the most action he has gotten in months! So well done on getting to 3^rd base with a hockey ball)

The two people that seem as if they are the ‘quite one’s’ proved us wrong again with Skywalker having these outlandish yet hilarious screams at the umpire often ending in a green or a warning and Carl who once again found his panties in a knot and took it out on our opponents striker, what a lad.

However apart from all the banter that Bastick kops he has been playing well of late, I guess he has commenced his twilight years. In addition to that statement Bastick was involved with the following goal too, however this time he had a little hick up and our ever so cool Glenzo, who joined the team half way through the season, was there to tap it in to put mutual in the outright lead for which it stayed that way till final whistle blew, score Mutual 2-1 UCT.

Heading into this game mutual only needed 1 point to secure a spot in TC next season and after the 70minutes of hockey on Saturday these men held down 3 points. Even though we are now in TC next year our season is not over, we still have 2 more games and we intend to end off on a powerful note setting up a solid foundation for next year.

Bet you didn’t see me write this, cause I’m a ……

Ninja

Winter League Game Week #14 - vs Stellenbosch B (Mens 2s)

Venue: Mutual

Opponents: WPCC B

Date: 18 August 2012

Time: 13h30

When Saturday 18 August rolled around it was a big day not only for those keen supporters of the  Springboks eager to watch their team take on  the Pumas at our very own Newlands stadium for the first match of the newly restructured Four Nations but for those of the Mutual 2s side playing against a tricky WPCC B side.  This game against WPCC B that lay ahead of us was highly crucial as a win would see us have a good chance of not getting relegated which is sadly what we are playing for at this stage of the season. 

As the starting whistle blew Mutual were looking good well structured and playing like we had a plan, which we did as our technical adviser, Bondi (unable to play because his amazing yellow card collection), ran through many phases of play prior to the game. We were moving the ball around the back smoothly and with intension as well as the left and right halves creeping up the sides allowing for the midfielders to squeeze infield creating a zig-zag pattern for the ball to the wingers which saw them either pull their opponents or arch around them and forcing a short corner.  

However despite our dominance WPCC B managed to draw first blood in a well worked short corner,  Mutual 0-1 WPCC B.

After a few encouraging words from our couch/captain Sparky our desire to win this all important match was reinstated and we managed to equalize through our high profile player (Mexican import) in the short corner team, Bob, who was adamant that we could find his name on the score sheet come final whistle and without Curly his chances increased 10 fold, or so we thought till we found out his replacement in the move was our seasoned grandfather, Bastick (yo-yo), who must have had memory loss as to how a zig-zag actually works because when bob passed the ball to him he straight up took the shot which, luckily for Basil, found his name on the score sheet for the 2^nd week in a row, Mutual 1-1 WPCCB.  

Regardless of how the move went we were ecstatic to see it hit the back net and after that we were back and ready to do more damage. After the goal the spirit in the team lifted and the belief was back that we could win this match. Throughout the season we have utilized Bobs over heads from the mid field to the forwards who ,with their electrifying pace, break away from their defenders and this week saw no different when Bob sent an over head from half way to the elusive Ninja who somehow managed to get the ball under control which is something he forgets how to do on occasion and forced the ball onto the opponents foot in the D. Prior to the short corner Sparky advised Bob to go bottom right to which Bob suddenly claimed that he is not able to position the ball in that area of the goals however to our delight Bob made no hash of things and did a smooth drag flick which went bottom right which put Mutual in the lead for the first time in the match, Mutual 2-1 WPCC B.

Shortly after the short corner goal the half time whistle blew which saw us head to the goals with our heads high, Basticks head was up but not high, and we sat in our goals and listened to our technical anal-ysis, Bondi, give us instructions as to what we were doing wrong and what we should do in the upcoming half to pull off a victory. 

The 2^nd half got off to a great start when Panteen/ Kirsie had a moment of brilliance when we all thought he tried one move to many at top D only for him to send a sensational flick middle top of the goals which, to our shock, saw the umpire point to the long corner, the umpires reasoning was the ball finished outside of the goals there it can’t be a goal however on closer inspection through the TMO the evidence disclosed that there was is a hole in the net thus the decision to change it to a goal quickly followed, Mutual 3-1 WPCC B. 

Through a lap in concentration from the team saw the opposition wiggle their way through our defence and come out with a goal, Mutual 3-2 WPCC B.

Carl 12 was having a good match even though he threw his toys out of his cot by shouting to the umpire “How you could not see the ball hit his foot, I mean really” , this put a dampener on Carl’s mood which funnily enough resulted in a deflection goal, Mutual 4-2 WPCC B.  

By this stage we believed to have had the game in the bag and victory was ours however that is often the most critical time for a team not to lose concentration as the opponents can strike as our minds would be elsewhere which is exactly what happened, they managed to score a quick goals seeing the score Mutual 4-3 WPCC B.

Sparky gave the boys one last lot of words of encouragement saying “Dig deep boys, dig deep” which clearly made a difference as shortly after that the whistle blew and victory was in fact ours! These 3 points very vital for our team to be outside of the relegation zone, and hopefully this momentum will carry on to the forth coming weekend when we take on Pinelands and our home turf, Mutual.

Bet you didn’t see me write this, cause I’m a ……

Ninja

Tosser -  Thanks Ninja for stepping to the plate and filling Deny's shoes for the weekend. It is quite a difference to the average match reports that Deny usually sends in.

Winter League Game Week #15 - vs Pinelands (Mens 3s)

Good morning guys

Date: 18 August 2012

Time: 15h00

Venue: Mutual

Opponents: Pinelands

We arrived at the field with one think in mind….Promotion. After two average curtain raisers being the Mens 1s and 2s playing before us we took to the field to show these boys how to win BIG. After winning the toss we decided to give Pinelands the ball.

After a bit of back and forth we got our first shorty of the game. Although it was not converted we learned that the keeper was coming quite far off his line which would help us in the long run. A few minutes later Caveman found himself open in the D. Pete gave him a long pass and taking two touches slotted the first goal with a straight shot along the ground into the goal. Mutual 1 – 0 Pinelands.

Pinelands hit back with a counter attack of their own. 3 vs keeper. Youngster coming out and smothering the pinelands striker, getting up again with his cat-like reflexes, to make another save and then another. The mutual defenders finally deciding he had ‘proven himself’ and coming to help and clear the ball.

Courtesy of a shorty which went to Pete, he pulled it along the ground to Spud who was waiting on P-spot for the deflection. Mutual 2 – 0 Pinelands.

Blake receiving a pass on top D and with a front stick shot buried the ball in the corner. It seems that he has taken his criticism very well after failing to score only one game this season.  Mutual 3 – 0 Pinelands.

The build-up to this goal I actually have no idea how it happened, but Brown ended up with the ball in the D, back stick into the net.Mutual 4 – 0 Pinelands.

Brown was at it again, teaming up with his fellow strike partner Blake with an easy 1 – 2 tap in. Mutual 5 – 0 Pinelands.

And so we went into the break with our bonus point, although not secured, at least we had it at half time and would not be chasing it. A few tactical changes were made, but all in all we just wanted to go out there and score more goals.

Second half started off quite lethargic, forwards were pushing but not hard enough. Pinelands content to sit in their half and play river ball and letting their strikers fight for a consolation goal. Spud finally listening and deciding that continually shooting at the keeper was not working, gave Pete a square pass which he miss hit towards the goals, and then their guy tried to clear and had a freshy and ball trickled into the goals. Mutual 6 – 0 Pinelands.

Another Pinelands 1 vs 4 counter attack. It was like a scene from Braveheart. Youngster with no chance. Mutual 6 – 1 Pinelands.

Winders running the ball in from wide smashes the ball into the circle and what was described as ‘just a backward touch and goal time’ – it was a touch of brilliance from Brown. Extending our lead and that extra goal cushion of the bonus point. Mutual 7 – 1 Pinelands.

Pete then got a square pass just outside the 22 drove at a 45 degree angle beat two players, arc’ed round onto the base line and popped it past the keeper on his near post and ball came back in off the far post into the goals. Mutual 8 – 1 Pinelands.

I am not quite sure how they pulled another goal back, but they did. It was definitely one of those 17 v 3 situations. But it happens when our guys are chasing for a big win and double digits. Mutual 8 – 2 Pinelands.

Brown not content with his hatrick, found a loose ball in some space in the D. We have seen this cheeky ‘show the keeper the ball, take it away, then pop it over him into the net’ – thing before from him. But it was still great to watch. Mutual 9 – 2 Pinelands.

Final Score Mutual 9 – 2 Pinelands.

Next fixture:

Saturday 25^th August @ Mutual

Time: @15h00

Opponents:  Fishhoek

Finally we get our first bonus point in 5 games. Plus promotion, this match was capped off with a quick 2 hour loiter which we managed to include our umpire. 3 games left to hold on to our unbeaten streak with Fishhoek, UCT and Conberg to go. Milnerton have deposited the cash to secure that we win this weekend so their run in to the end of the season is made easier with Fishhoek being 5 points adrift of them..

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

Winter League Game Week #14 - vs Stellenbosch B (Mens 2s)

Venue: Mutual

Opponents: Maties B

Date: 11 August 2012

Time: 13h30

The 2s gathered on, there is no polite way to put this, a FUCK cold Saturday afternoon for a clash against the Maties 4s. With the sky looking rather black, Vis came over to me and said we should get the game going early because of the ‘weather’, someone clearly spent the night be cuddled by his mother.

So we got the game under way and after a few half hearted attacks from both sides, we eventually got our act together and started to put some quality play together. This eventually paid off when we won a shorty. We called for the banker (aka zig zag) however Curly, just like the last game against Maties B didn’t get the message and decided to go with the zig and put us 1 – 0 up.

Play then opened up with Mutual letting the game slip away a lil. Maties made use of this and hit us on the counter and after a keeping blunder from the hungover/royally hammered Fridge grabbed an equaliser. We went into half time with the score level at 1 – 1.

Both teams game out fired up to score some goals and we showed this intention by winning a shorty. We let Bob have a drag, he hit the right upright. Now the annoying part is that he asked me where he should go, so I said bottom right, perhaps if I said it in Spanish he would have listened and scored, but nope, he went top right. We won another shorty and we were thinking its definitely goal time now, but Maties hit us on the counter and made us pay. They grabbed a 2 – 1 lead.

This is when the heavens opened, no not rain, goals for Maties. The 2s game took a huge dip and Maties seemed to look dangerous on every attack and were scoring with ease. Before we knew it was 5 – 1 to Maties. The scoreline could have been better if we were more luckier with Giggles hitting the post and several chances were put to waste.

Bastick managed to grab a consolation goal for us at the death, but that didn’t matter at all as we were absolutely outclassed by Maties on the day. We clearly have some work to do in order to pick up some results. A tough clash against a much stronger WPCC B lay ahead of us.

www.average.com's Man of the Year

Deny

Song 11 - Province Rangers

Aaaaaah yes, finally brings us to one of my favourite tour songs. A great song for those who have the memory of a fish and their brain can’t hold more than 2 songs. All you have to do in this song is to repeat what the ‘main’ singer is singing.

*Chorus*

We are Rangers

Province Rangers

We are drinking

In the morning

In the evening

Late at night

Two old women lying in the bed

One to the other so she said:

I wanna live me a life of danger

I’m gonna get me a Province Ranger

*Chorus*

Was a man from Bugnor Regis

He had a 10 foot erect penis

Tell you this and it’s the truth

Erect penis through the roof

*Chorus*

Was a girl from Leicester City

She had whiskey on her titty

Tell you this and its no lie

I would suck those titties dry

*Chorus*

Was a girl that was from Bournemouth

She had a cunt that was enormous

Tell you this and it’s no lie

You could fit a bus inside

*Chorus*

Was a girl form Indo-China

She had rice in her vagina

Tell you this and it’s no lie

We cooked up a mean stir-fry

*Chorus*

Four and twenty virgins came from Inverness

When the ball was over there were four and twenty less

Balls to your partner, arse against the wall

If you don’t get laid on Saturday night, you won’t get laid at all

We are Rangers

Province Rangers

We are drinking

In the morning

In the evening

All through the night

How’s your mother - all right

How’s your sister - too tight

When was the last time - last night

When is the next time - tonight

Is everybody happy: YAAAAAAAAA

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

Songs 10

Well after going for one at the Red Ox, getting home with an empty draught glass and a belly full of cheese burger you can imagine how 'in the mood' I am to do any actual work. So I thought i would dump another 5 songs here for you guys to learn. I think the songs are only going to get more and more crude from here on out.lol

Song 31:

Sing a song of syphilis, a pecker full of scabs.

Four and twenty black heads, twice as many crabs.

Pull back the foreskin and see the fuckers run,

What a fucking filthy thing to stick up Bondi’s bum bum bum

(bum, ba-da bum, ba-da bum bum – Williams Tell overture)

Song 32:

I wish I was a pommie

I do, I do

I wish I was a pommie

I do, I do

I’d walk into Trafalgar Square,

Say you Lord Nelson way up there

Fuck you, fuck you!

Song 33:

Up with the mini skirt, down with the pantyhose

And in with my donkey, my little red donkey

Works when I want it to ah ha, ah ha

Squirts when I want it to ah ha, ah ha

My little red donkey, my little red donkey

Hey jiggy jiggy, fuck the little piggy

Song 34:

Once a jolly bombardier caught a case of gonorrhoea

Under the shade of the syphilis tree,

And he sat and he watched, all the pimples on his penis burst

Who’ll come and ram it up Matilda with me

Ram it up Matilda, God I nearly killed her,

Who’ll come and ram it up Matilda with me

As he whipped it in and whipped it out,

And wiped it on his handkerchief

Who’ll come and ram it up Matilda with me

Song 35:

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,

Had a wife and used to beat her,

Smacked her twice around the head,

Fucked her arse and went to bed drinking one, two, three, four

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

Songs 9 - I wish that all the ladies

It has been a while since the last songs post. So i decided to drop this one quickly. Basically one person will sing and everyone just repeats what he says. Guys can take turn to be the 'main' singer. But in the end it comes down to who knows more verses. So here are the ones i have heard, no i have not even committed half of these to memory. lol

I wish that all the ladies, 
Were waves in the ocean, 
and i was a surfer, 
I'd ride 'em with my motion! 

A room-bop-a-do-bop

A rimidy rimidy do-bop

I wish that all the ladies,
Were bells in the tower,
and i was a bell boy,
I'd bang 'em every hour!

I wish that all the ladies,
We're buns on the shelf,
and I was a baker,
I'd cream em all my self!

I wish that all the laides,
We're holes in the road,
and I was a dump truck,
I'd fill em with my load!

I wish that all the ladies,
were bricks in a pile,
and i was a brickie,
I'd lay em with my style!

i wish that all the ladies,
were statues of Venus,
and i was a sculptor,
id shape em with my penis

i wish that all the ladies,
were sheep in the grass
and i was a kiwi
i'd fuck 'em in the arse

I wish all the ladies, 
were cabbage in patch,
and I was a farmer,
I'd pick'em by the snatch..

I wish that all the ladies,
Were grain in a bin,
And I was an auger, 
I'd stick it in and spin.

I wish that all the ladies,
Were birds in the sky,
And I was a hunter,
I'd shoot 'em in the eye.

I wish that all the ladies
Were like tables in bed
I'd make 'em suck my dick
and rest my beer on their head.

I wish that all the ladies
Were sail boats in a race
And I was the headwind
I'd blow it in their face

I wish that all the ladies
were bricks in the wall
and if i was a bricklayer
i would lay them one and all

I wish that all the ladies
were monkeys in a tree
and if i was a banana
they'd be sucking on me

I wish that all the ladies
were fish in a pool
and if I was a fisherman
I’d catch ‘em with my tool

I wish that all the ladies
were jockeys in a race
and I was a saddle
they’d sit upon on my face

I wish that all the Ladies
Were wheels on a car 
and i was the axle
i'd spin 'em on me bar

I wish that all the ladies
were buns in an oven
and I was a baker
I'd give 'em all my lovin'

I wish that all the ladies
were fish under a pier
and I was a native
I'd stab 'em with me spear

I wish that all the ladies
were sheep in the grass
and if i was an aussie
id fuck them up the arse

I wish that all the ladies
were wind out at sea
and I was a sail boat
then they’d all blow me!

I wish that all the ladies
Were laying in my bed
But if there was a fat one
I'd masturbate instead

I wish that all the ladies
were pies on a shelf
and I was a baker
I'd eat'em all myself

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser

Winter League Game Week #14 - vs Somerset West (Mens 3s)

Good morning guys

Date: 11 August 2012

Time: 15h00

Venue: Paarl Vallei

Opponents: Somerset West

So we were scheduled to play at Paarl Vallei this weekend so after the predicted storms of the weekend I decided to give Ryan a call on Sat morning after seeing the forecast for the weekend….999% chance, as Piles so eloquently put it WTF!!! Ryan informed me that the roof of their club house had blown off but the pitch was draining quite well.

So the thorough bred 3s made the great trek to the other side of the world to play. Every side in the league now gunning for our unbeaten record. The weather was not too bad, no rain at the start of the game, but it was still freezing. Winning the toss and deciding to play with the wind the first half we attacked our opponents from the first whistle.

We started off well converting our first shorty of the match. Shooter finding the side of the net to start the ball rolling. Mutual 1 – 0 Somerset West.

They the storm came, Mutual in wife-beaters = not happy. Hail started to pour down and during one of our ‘I think the apocalypse just started’ moments, Somerset West smashed a ball thru to their striker (who hadn’t moved since their previous attack 5 minutes ago) who got the deflection to level the scores. Mutual 1 – 1 Somerset West.

Deano passing a through ball, and letting the ball run pass his, Rusty took one-time shot (I am such a huuuuge fan of these -.-) hit the keepers glove as he went down, and rolling in. Rusty also had a one-time shot a few minutes before which was competing with the Raff’s drag flick from the previous week. Mutual 2 – 1 Somerset West.

During the half time talk we were all huddles in the dugout, naked trying to stay alive with body heat. We were going to draw straws to see who would be the first one to sacrifice their life to feed the others. Realising that either of the youngsters would do as the referee signalled the start of the second half.

The second half went much like the first half, except no hail this time around. We were again camping in the opponents half with them having a few break away chances which were smothered by our awesomeness that we refer to as the defence. After numerous shots at goal, Pete getting the ball on the rebound and finishing high into the top corner. Quite a childish finish really, he could have just pushed it in but noooooooo lets throw one into the roof. Mutual 3 – 1 Somerset West.

With Mutual in full-out attack mode, our top scorer extended his tally to 24 for the season after receiving a through ball from Rusty, coasting into the D unchallenged and smashing a backstick bottom corner. Mutual 4 – 1 Somerset West.

Even thou we push again for that bonus point that have been alluding us since the Conberg game we managed to get one more before the end of the game. Pete intercepted the ball just outside the 22m running with ball at 45, beat player and then slotted it under his shoulder. Defender got a slight touch and keeper went wrong way and ball sailed into the near post. Mutual 5 – 1 Somerset West.

Final Score Mutual 5 – 1 Somerset West.

Next fixture:

Saturday 18^th August @ Mutual

Time: @16h30

Opponents:  Pinelands

Again just one goal shy of a bonus point. But its seems the hunger has returned. Special mention to the link, you guys ran your hearts out in the freezing cold. Millies getting the bonus point this weekend so our lead is down to 14…..that’s still huge! We can still win the league with 3 games to go. Pinelands, Fishhoek, UCT and Conberg  are the last of our victims before we take on M3!

Yours in awesomeness

Tosser